Thursday, January 14, 2016

potentials

So, I haven't slept a full night in 2 weeks. It's been fun. School started a week ago yesterday, and I have had schoolwork until 11 or 12 at night. I'm essentially drinking physics, differential equations, and computer programming from a fire hose. Honestly, I'm exhausted, it's a lot of stress (or is it strain?), but I am kind of enjoying it. I am learning so much right now, and with Ben working as many hours as he can, I have a homework buddy almost all the time.

Ben is seriously the best. I fell asleep on the couch the other day for a power nap while he was getting off from work. I woke up emotional, as naps often make me, and so I was pretty sad. He came over, and I just kept getting more sad. I had tons of homework (as is the norm) and I was overwhelmed with trying to understand things in my classes. I asked if he would help me a little bit with making dinner for us, and he said he wasn't sure he could because of all of his own homework. That's when the fuse blew, and I literally just started crying. Pretty hard, too. My stress release is crying, and I'm pretty sure I have blogged about that before, but yep, I hid my face and he didn't realize why until a few moments later when I was really crying. He took it like a CHAMP. He was kneeling by me on the couch and he just wrapped his arms around me and said sweet calming things while I just let it all out. Eventually I calmed down, got up, and he helped me thaw some spinach for dinner.

Anyway, enough of that. I'll write a brief message, and then I have to get on with my homework.

I'm taking Electricity & Magnetism (without too much calculus) and so the word "potential" is all over the place. It's the hardest class for me right now, and this stuff always has been, because magnets, how do they work? There are days when I do the online assignment and get half of the questions completely wrong. I'm not a natural scientist. I am fascinated by how things work, and I'm fairly decent at math, but in reality, I'm less of a thinker and more of a feeler. I would excel in a field in psychology or sociology. I love people and I love caring for them. I am a nurturer, just as my nature as a woman helps me to be. In fact, when it comes to my major, it isn't even that I want a career. The men in my classes talk about what research they want to do, where they want internships, what they hope to study in graduate school. My graduate school will be the university of motherhood, my degree in raising a family in righteousness and safety, and I will be graded on the love and kindness that I have. My degree is so that I can have something to pursue after my children are grown, or something I can pursue part-time at home. It is so I can stretch myself and teach my children why the sky is blue and why bubbles are rainbow and why their straw looks bent in water (what I lack in E&M, I make up for in waves and optics, apparently).

I work hard because I know I have the potential to become so much more. I have been promised the help of God in pursuing my education and in understanding complex theories. The great thing about science, art, literature, engineering, math, dance, and anything else is that you don't need an inherent skill. You don't need to be a natural. Sometimes, if you're like me, what you love (physics) and what you're natural at (not really sure actually but not physics) don't quite line up. You can work hard and achieve anything.

We are eternal beings in mortal bodies. We have been placed here to learn and stretch and grow. We make choices and we apply faith and we work hard and we can become anything we could ever dream of. Never be too afraid of failure to pursue the course you feel is best. Heavenly Father takes our failures and changes us, guiding us to the greatest success we can have.

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