Saturday, November 12, 2016

I hate writing titles, but that is an irrelevant title

This blog has taken a very real turn from the world of physics to the world of Aileen's Head and all the issues that reside therein. The anxious woman in me wants to apologize and is very self conscious about this, but this is what is a blog really for, right? Writing to deal with personal life? I mean, there are food blogs and other specific blogs but in the end a blog is kind of about the author. And when the author's life takes a nosedive, sometimes writing is what helps them climb back up to elevation.

I have a lot more physics major friends on social media now that I've entered my junior year. This is really intimidating, actually. Social anxiety. I write like a boss but when it comes to the spoken word, nothing ever comes out in a way that really expressed what is going on behind my face. When I speak, it is often incredibly awkward, which in turn makes me sound like an incredibly awkward person. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely awkward. Just not as awkward as I know I sound. So when it comes out that I secretly blog about physics and faith and especially at this moment the mental illness and the stress of adulthood I feel so very embarrassed. I like being behind a screen. I'm currently wearing leggings, wool socks, and one of my husband's sweaters while home alone with my cat. It's great. But once I'm in front of another person, boy do things change.

I just had to get that all out. Honesty is great, right? Please don't ask me about this in our classes, potential physics major readers, I am too anxious for that junk.

My junior year thus far could be described with plenty of choice adjectives, but I'm a good little Mormon girl who can hardly bring herself to say "damnation" when reading the scriptures. Even typing that was a struggle. We moved, we went broke because of moving (security deposits and pet deposits when our old place still has our money and Ben works retail killed, though temporarily, our savings accounts pretty quick), I drown in homework and housework and now I try to get any grading in that I can to get our bills paid and our savings growing.

The worst aspect is that I got off Effexor XR. I needed to; I was 100% exhausted all the time and it made me tense up so badly that even trips to the college of massage therapy for discount massages couldn't keep it down. I had to sleep about 10 hours a night, then I was addled with tension headaches all day. But at least the anxiety was gone. I felt I was ready to get off of any anxiety medication. It definitely felt like a prompting. I never expected my anxiety to come back full-force, let alone worse than before.

I could tell myself a thousand times that it's okay to not be okay, or that people take heart medication or insulin every day and that taking antidepressants is just the same, but it sure as heck doesn't feel like it. I could chug a gallon of chamomile tea and light candles and tell myself I am wonderful anxiety and all but that doesn't change for a second that I would give anything to feel actual, unprovoked, un-medicated happiness. I don't want to spend my life taking pills to feel and function normally. I don't want to compare side effects and worry about tapering and figuring out what combination of chemicals kills the chemical issues in my brain. I don't want to worry if I can have children with what I'm on. I want to be a happy person. But I don't know how to make that happen anymore.

Life is crazy. It hurts. You find someone you want to spend your life with and then everything gets so dang complicated. I guess I am just grateful that in this insane world, I have a knowledge, though often somewhat shaky, that I have a Savior. Someday I will have a resurrected body and I will be happy without having to take a single pill or supplement. I'll be able to feel what it is like to not be weighed down with the tightness in my chest and the tension in my neck and the pit in my stomach. It will be so incredible to feel that. But in the meantime, I guess I have some things to sort out.

I hope this post actually went somewhere. I can't really be sure. I feel pretty terrible right now. I just hope someone reads this and says, "Wow, I guess I'm really not alone in this". Whoever you are, I feel you, but we've got this. There are people who love and support us, like my incredible patient and loving husband, Ben. Just have to plug in the gratitude for him; it is November, after all, and I am such a handful. But he loves me, brain chemistry and all, and I am so lucky to know that he will always be here for me for the rest of time and eternity. It's okay to not be okay, because someday, we will be, but we will be so appreciative of it because of where we have been.
"But when the world tries to break your back with its weight,
get a stronger spine.
Too long treating your heart like a bullet to be loaded
into a gun; it’s time to wear all this loneliness
like a bulletproof vest instead."
-Meggie Royer, rock bottom does not exist

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Schrodinger's recovery

It's Saturday evening. We ran errands in Idaho Falls earlier before Ben left for work. I was going to do homework, but the neck pain was setting in and I was burnt out and my husband was leaving me to the house alone for 9 hours and I didn't want other company but I didn't want to be alone. I sit down to do homework but keep distracting myself with everything else the world has to offer. My neck hurts and has zero respect for the ibuprofen I downed. I eat some chocolate. I get another paragraph read and take the notes. I give myself a well-deserved break. I massage the tendons in my neck but my hand quickly wears out. I check to see if the chicken is done cooking yet in the crockpot. It isn't. I sit down. I do some more homework. I check every social media account I have on my phone. I watch cute cat videos for a while because I'm excited for the cats we are adopting. I try to solve one of the problems from the reading. It seems too hard. My neck hurts. I run myself a really hot bath and put in some Bath and Body Works soap for bubbles. I light my "be peaceful" candle with lavender and eucalyptus. I make some chamomile tea with plenty of honey inside. I put on my sad indie rock/pop Pandora station and gradually get into the bath because it's scalding. I lean my head back so I can soak the rock-hard muscles in my neck. My heart is at probably 130 bpm from the water temperature; I checked it against a Sousa march in my head. I wait. It's hard to stay in there but eventually my eyes get heavier and I relax. My neck doesn't hurt anymore. After a while, I down my now-warm tea that tastes mostly like honey and I put the lid on the candle jar and get out. The chicken is done. My neck starts to hurt again. Ben is due for his lunch break soon. I hope dinner tastes okay. My neck hurts just as bad as it did before after only 5 minutes. I start some rice. I sit down. I might start some homework but it also might not be enough time before Ben comes home, so I might not. We teach Gospel Doctrine in church tomorrow and I haven't even printed out my copy of the lesson. I haven't begun the complicated computational problem for my classical mechanics homework that was assigned a week ago. Wow, my neck hurts.

Self care or procrastination? I don't even know anymore. Bubble baths and tea are great, but they aren't what get me through the day. Medication and meditation make the days bearable. My neck tension is so bad that I usually take painkillers at about 3 PM when I feel the pain coming on. I sleep 9-10 hours and have the hardest time getting out of bed, but once I do, I'm okay. Most days I stay okay and focused. Some days I'm not. I agreed to medication because it was going to be a temporary fix. I was going to recover from my anxiety and get off the medication and use my newfound skills to maneuver through life, now only needing 8 hours of sleep again and having happiness and calmness and everything I lacked. It's been a few months now and I'm wondering when the recovery is supposed to start.

I guess maybe it's more like Schrodinger's cat. Recovery is possible, but having to learn to cope because you're never going to fully "recover" is also possible. Which will it be for you? Who knows, you're in the thick of it now, and the box is still closed. Hopefully you'll figure out how to open that box so you can know for sure. Right now, I don't know if recovery is really what is going to happen. I never thought it was genetic or chemical. I thought it was just some rough situations and some bad wiring when I was growing up that I just needed to overcome. But as I struggle through the chronic pain and drowsiness and as I try to be good to my husband and balance everything, I've realized that maybe it isn't about overcoming. That isn't necessarily a bad thing by any means. But it's important to recognize that not everything will be overcome here on this Earth.

I guess it all just makes me grateful that I know that because Jesus Christ came here to this earth and lived His life in submission to the will of the Father, that because He suffered all of my pains in that garden, and because He was crucified and three days later was resurrected in a perfect body, I'm not alone and someday I will be with Him in my own perfect body. My brain won't do this stuff. I'll have more joy than I can even realize because of all that I endured here. And I'll be there with my family. With my husband, with our eventual kids, and with my parents and my siblings. How great that will be. No anxiety, just so much joy because of the anxiety. It's hard to be grateful now, but I know I'll be grateful then for getting through it all.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Broken vessels

This May is National Mental Health Awareness Month, so I guess it's only fitting that I scheduled an appointment to start getting counselling again.

I've been open with my mental health struggles, but usually only after they've passed. Why is that? I think it's because of a few reasons. First, stigma. I don't want to be seen as attention-grabbing. It's a shame that I fear that so much while writing this. It feels more clear that that isn't my purpose when I'm not currently struggling. Second, it's hard enough to realise that you are having a mental health problem. When I had too much dairy, I notice. I know why it happens. I know it isn't my personality or who I am. It's the fact that my body doesn't produce the needed lactase. When my carpal tunnel bugs me, I don't blame myself. I blame my dang wrists and the repetitive writing and typing involved in everyday life as a student and a TA. But when I'm anxious, I blame myself for lashing out at Ben for dumb things. I feel sorry for him in his decision to marry me. I don't realize that it's a chemical imbalance due to a need of a break and a slower pace and some self care until I remember that I am an anxious and depressed person. I feel things deeply in my nature. It's okay. I'm sensitive. I just need to take care of myself.

I came to terms with the fact that I needed to see a therapist again a couple weeks into this semester. Last semester was horrific. That's all I'll say about that. Then I went from that, packing all my stuff and taking finals early and leaving town and not sleeping the whole drive and getting married and having a reception and leaving home and camping in Arizona and camping in Utah and coming to Rexburg and moving in with this man and starting school and starting work and I haven't breathed in almost a year. The morning after my wedding, Ben and I had breakfast and watched some Netflix and we were just hanging out taking it easy when the most utter, deep, unbearable depression came over me. I started sobbing. I literally felt as though I didn't want to carry the burden of my mortal body any longer. I had never been so far gone that I actually would have preferred to not be alive. Ben is a sweetheart though; he understood it wasn't him or anything and he held me tight until it eventually passed. 

But since that moment, I haven't been the same. I've fought my temper and I've cried basically every day. I've been incapable of sitting down and being productive if Ben isn't there to make me feel obligated to actually do things. I feel like I'm not succeeding in school, work, or being a wife, but rather that I'm scraping by at all of them. I blamed it all on myself, too. I didn't realise what it was. I couldn't see that it was anxiety and depression because I was living it. It crept on me without the realisation that it would be there to stay. 

I wanted to write this because I feel it is important to tell those that don't know what mental illness is like that it is so hard to comprehend. It's hard to understand when you haven't lived it. It's difficult to see it when you are living it. The world needs more love. Those that struggle need all the love and cookies and friendship that you can offer them. 

I also wanted to write this so that if someone who reads this is wondering if it's their fault they can understand that it isn't. I want people to know that mental health is just like physical health. Treatment is never embarrassing. It is necessary and it is so helpful to take care of yourself and love yourself.

I put on Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" the other night, when Ben and I were getting ready for scripture studying and going to bed. His words in general conference back in 2013 were incredible, but I didn't yet understand their depth. Elder Holland is such a passionate speaker so he always strikes a chord in my heart. I've included some highlights from that talk, but I highly recommend listening to the whole thing, which is the link that follows.

I know that through counseling and the other things that my body and mind need to overcome this challenge, I will make it through this again. I did it before, and it will work out this time too. I also know that the only way I can make it through and become stronger by it is by understanding the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He has endured my pains and my weaknesses and my sins and sorrows. He is always here for me and understands better than anyone else. It is through His healing that I will be able to experience the greatest joy.

Great places to get some great gear to help raise awareness and get people support:

Some facts and how to help
Another talk about this
Talk to people you love and ask them how they are doing. Actually invest in their answer. Look for ways to serve. Sit and think about people in your life and who needs help and whatever name pops into your head, help them. New moms? Show them some love and give them a hand.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

It's okay to not know things

Last semester, in my Principles of Physics II class, I asked a question. I was one of 4 women in that class of 35-40 people. It was the last week of school, and we had just taken a test and were reviewing it in preparation for the final. The exam had been on optics. There was a question about a dual-lens system and in the problem I had found the following: to focus on an object farther away, you had to bring the lenses closer. Well, as the daughter of someone who had minored in photography and the sister of another who had majored in it, my experience through my whole life was that to focus on something farther away, you make the lens longer. The thing is, cameras are more complicated, and I knew that, but it had definitely caused an inner conflict when I was in the testing center. Therefore, desiring to understand exactly what the difference was, I raised my hand to ask my professor to explain.

He called on me. I phrased my question based on the information I had provided. I never expected the result: immediately upon wording my question, before the professor started to speak, there was a chorus of probably 20 men behind me starting to yell the answer at me. I was shocked. "What is this word-vomit going on?" I remember asking in disbelief. I'd never had this happen in a classroom. I'd never heard anyone ask a question and get that kind of response. Eventually everyone became quiet so my professor could tell me what I wanted to know, which was basically just that camera lenses have more going on (so really didn't quite answer my question but rather confirm my hypothesis), and class moved on.

I still don't know what happened. Women in my classes don't often ask questions -- if they do at all. I've been trying for a long time to teach myself to ask questions in class. It's almost always men, and yet, through my entire education, when a man has asked a question in one of my classes, my previous experience has never occurred.

Which leads me to my current field of study: it's okay to not know things. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but after 12 years of public education where it felt like I constantly had to prove that I was smart and where I felt as though asking a question would show everyone that I don't know things and that therefore "smartness" no longer applies to me, I'm trying hard to teach myself that it's okay to not know things. That's why we go to school. That's why we take classes. We are supposed to push past the wall of what we know to expand ourselves.

I'm a TA for my Physics I professor. It's hard work, answering questions from students that look no different than I do. I'm not old and wise and experienced, and sometimes, I don't know what answer to give them. I have to remind myself that it's better to show weakness and ask my professor to help because I don't know things than to act like I know things and tell them all sorts of wrong stuff. I have to remember that my professor knows I'm just a student and that he's the nicest professor I've ever had and that he probably appreciates that I'm humble enough to turn to him for help. It sure does take a lot of humility, though.

So I guess all I'm trying to say here is that asking questions is hard. Teaching yourself that it's okay to not know things is difficult. But I'm a physics major; not knowing things is basically the prerequisite for this. It's okay to have questions. That's why we have professors. That's why we have a Heavenly Father who is willing to listen, who will never judge us, and who will always love to give us answers. Our life is one giant learning experience. When we ask questions, we figure out where to go and we learn so many cool things. It's okay to not know things; it's the perfect place to start.

Also, I found some hilarious stock images in my first attempt to find a good photo for this post. Enjoy.
no caption needed

me after that one time with the camera question

"how is the top part staying up when I'm only holding up the dot"

modern physics got me like
gurl....... up top.

Friday, April 22, 2016

for all eternity

Two weeks ago, on April 8th of the year 2016, I married my best friend, Ben Godfrey, in the house of the Lord in Sacramento, California.
Getting married happened really fast when one considers how much time is spent preparing to get married. But I had so many thoughts and feelings that I felt impressed to share with those of you who may read this, for whatever reason you may pull from it.

I got about 2.5 hours of sleep Wednesday night. We drove from Rexburg to Auburn, leaving at about 6 and losing an hour due to poor navigating (we backtracked from Pocatello about 3/4 of the way to Idaho Falls). I drove home to sleep in my own bed for an hour before zombie-driving to Auburn to get our marriage license barely on time. I got my nails done, hung out with my parents, ate yummy food, had a lovely "bachelorette party" with my sister and cousin who are 8-ish years older than me and my cousin's 8-year-old daughter, consisting of Cheesecake Factory and buying a bra (WOOOO!! It actually was fun, I think, I was really really really tired). Then I crashed at home one last time before the big day.

I woke up that morning pretty chill. I was still exhausted, but life just seemed weird but pretty acceptable. As the morning progressed I got some nervousness in me. I wrote in my journal about how stressed and worried and emotional I felt about the fact that I had given so much of the life I'd known and loved in the previous 7 months and I was about to give up the rest that I had. There's a musical number from Fiddler on the Roof to describe some of what I was feeling. Man, I knew I loved Ben, and it wasn't that I was feeling cold feet, I was just really overwhelmed and felt incredibly small and young and naive and crazy for doing what I was doing that day. And I was exhausted! I ate some Jamba Juice oatmeal while I got my hair done, and then went on to makeup, all with a smile on my face because it was what I needed to do. I sure felt beautiful, and again, I did not doubt what I was doing, but it was not as blissful as I had expected it to be.

That is, until we did the "first look" pictures with my dad and with Ben. Once Ben was there, the nerves mostly faded, and it was more like "OH MY GOSH WE ARE GONNA BE LATE FOR OUR SEALING EVEN THOUGH WE WERE LITERALLY JUST RUNNING AHEAD OF SCHEDULE BEFORE THIS". I changed out of my wedding dress, and Ben and I rode backseat in the minivan up to the temple. I power-walked as best I could in my 6" gold glittery heels into the temple and to that front desk and as soon as I was there in that dedicated building everything fell into place.

I was privileged to wear my mom's wedding dress for the temple sealing. When I got to the bride's room, the lovely temple worker assigned to help me out was fawning over me, telling me how beautiful I was as I'm sure they love to do for every little bride. They brought me and Ben into the celestial room while we waited for our family that was there to attend the sealing came in. As soon as I walked into that room, I was astounded. This was the most gorgeous, beautiful, incredible room I'd ever seen. The way the late-afternoon light filtered in through the one window and into the crystals of the chandelier, the red of the wood on the furniture, everything was so incredible and so perfect. It was then that I felt the peace that I had been waiting for. The spirit came so strongly to me, and though my head was beginning to hurt and I really kind of wanted a nap, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. I knew without a doubt that Heavenly Father was so proud of me and Ben for living our lives the way we did so He could bring us together. I cried. It was great.

I won't say much about the sealing because it is so sacred but it was an incredible feeling to see that room full of people I loved and grew up with. At the same time, my heart yearned for the faces I knew were missing and I really, truly, wished could be there. These are the sacrifices you have to make to be sealed in the temple. You know it is what you need, you know it is perfect, and yet it is so hard to love people so much and not be able to see them there in that room with you. My mother, a convert, was a perfect example because I know it was such a difficult sacrifice for her to make. Though it may have been difficult in this respect, I wouldn't have had my wedding anywhere else. It was seriously perfect. I cried. Mom cried. Nancy cried. Other people cried. It was great.

EDIT: I forgot to mention something! When the sealing was over and I came back into the bride's room to change into my wedding dress, there was a woman there who had a family member taking out their endowments. Or was she taking out hers? The details are confusing to me. Regardless, she and her husband moved in next door out here in Rexburg. I tried (unsucessfuly) to help her get her mattress up the stairs and they invited me in for dinner when my key didn't work in my apartment door while Ben was at work. Small world! So crazy.

Anyway, to sum up the rest of the evening, we took pictures and I kept sinking backwards into the moist ground outside the temple because of my dang shoes. My head hurt, and I felt ill. The second photographer gave me a granola bar. We had a really awesome ring ceremony planned but we just shared how much we loved each other and how grateful we were to be sealed in the temple. Dinner followed, and I couldn't breathe in my dress, so I ended up the most casual person there. We left early. I was grateful that I had planned the reception for the next day.

Brief note: "the reception was excellent" (insert a wink at you, Dad, Mom, and Ben). Sorry, inside joke. But it seriously was. So many lovely people showed up, a couple were sorely missed, but the cake was delicious, Trey was the "master of fade-outs" until the laptop died (saving Ben and me from 2.5 more minutes of our awkward slow-dance), band nerds came, SO MUCH HELP FROM FAMILY that I cannot thank them for enough, and just so much perfectness in one night. I couldn't have asked for a better reception.

Unfortunately, a day into our honeymoon, depression hit. I had gone so fast for the last 7 months, my life had gone through so much change, and now I was married to someone that I've known for 1.5 years and still think of as a stranger. That's right, I don't even know who Ben really is. I mean, I have some ideas, but I've known him for such a short blip in an eternal scheme of things. The point is, I think, to choose your love, love your choice, and spend the rest of your lives getting closer and closer to figuring out who the other person is. We have an eternity to do so, and I'm glad, cause this will take a while. 

I love Ben so much. Getting married was wild and a roller-coaster ride and it's only just barely started. He's my best friend, my companion, and I wouldn't have anyone else. Ever. I'm so grateful that my life led me his way, and that he never could get rid of me. He's such an incredible, sweet, loving person and I'm eternally grateful for April 8th, 2016, when we were sealed for time and all eternity in the house of the Lord.

My awesome sister took my wedding photos. She's seriously awesome.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

feed my lamb(da)s

Hi everyone! I'm dying. School is so hard. I turn twenty on Tuesday. I get married two weeks from tomorrow. Magnetism. Second order linear nonhomogeneous differential equations. Ack. I'll get through this. Send chocolate. Come to my wedding reception*. Give me hugs.

Anyway, we are well into optics in my Principles of Physics II class. We've talked about wavelengths and frequencies and the speed of light (also talked about that in E&M) and everything under the sun that doesn't require vector calculus, linear algebra, or differential equations.

If you've ever wondered how microwave ovens don't radiate you and how the grid on the window works, but you wondered it too passively to actually open a new tab and google it, I understand you completely. We talked about how this works in my class either this week or last week (it's all one long awful week to me at this point), and it seems crazy: the wavelength of the microwaves in your microwave oven that are used to heat your food have a wavelength that is way larger than the holes in the metal screen. Doesn't matter how big the amplitude is; if they are long enough, they are going to be really bad at getting through those holes.

Another cool hypothesis, from that book I stole from my Institute director back home, connected here: God communicates with us via light, but it's light of EM wavelengths that we haven't yet discovered.

So, the point I'm getting to here is this: each of us is a metal screen. Each of us is a uniquely made one. Different wavelengths of light penetrate through us in different ways.

I was privileged to speak the Sunday before last during Sacrament meeting. The other two speakers were to of the women with me in the Relief Society presidency. Ben pointed out to me that each of us presented our talks in different ways, but we all spoke well: the first speaker, he said, was soft-spoken, gentle, really sweet, and full of love; I was matter-of-fact and laid it out like it is, gave scriptures to back all of my points, and elaborated on them; and the last speaker was "more feisty"! He cracks me up. Anyway, each of us is a largely different person, and we come together to present our talks or work as members of a presidency to strengthen the kingdom of God on Earth and "feed [His] lambs".

Most Sacrament meetings, one might feel the spirit the speakers bring, but one speaker in particular might resonate with us deeply. One might sit through General Conference and feel the spirit testify that these are the Lord's anointed and the words they speak are good, but one or two speakers will seem to speak to them personally. One might feel the Spirit bear witness of truth in a way completely different from another. Some wavelengths just might not get through our metal screen, but others will, and that's totally fine.

I testify that God knows how we understand the world and how we need to hear things. He knows who we are and He has for millennia and He will never try to speak to us in ways we just don't get. Sometimes, we don't quite seem to hear anything for a while. That's okay. He is still there, and when the time is right, we will feel the spirit and understand things again. The light will always come. This is my promise in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

I'm really tired and I couldn't find a decent picture for this post

*Do you need the details on my wedding reception? SHOOT ME A TEXT! Or email. Or anything. I would love to see you there as long as I know you and you aren't some weird internet stranger! But if you are some weird internet stranger, hi! Thanks for reading my blog! Feel free to message me anytime as well! But also understand why I can't invite you to my wedding reception. Safety issues. All that jazz. But I'm glad you're here anyway!

Friday, March 11, 2016

the confidence proportionality constant

The time spent in a physics or math class is directly proportional to the decrease in confidence levels.
The level of physics or math class (100, 200, 300, 400) is also directly proportional to this.
For example:

This is a 200 level class, physics 220. You should see the steepness of the curve for math 316.

Given the steepness of that curve, my confidence levels in my usage of the term "directly proportional" is at about 17%. I haven't slept enough in weeks, so don't judge me.

But seriously. I have found that the more a person is educated, the more they realize they don't know a single darn thing at all. I had this conversation with Ben the other day. He never lets me go far without telling me that I'm intelligent, which is much needed when you spend hours upon hours in classes realizing how little you understand at all. Magnets? How do they work? I'd go ask my professors for help, but what do I ask? I don't even know what I don't know. I might go tell them that anyway, and see if they can offer anything to me. They're all so kind here. Except that one jerk I had for a foundations class semester. What a buttmunch. But I digress.

I'm getting married in 4 weeks, so that's grand. Can't wait. I'm giving a talk on Sunday. Kinda feel the same way about both: a little excited, kinda nervous, no idea how to make either of them really work. But my confidence level in my marriage is already 200%. It's an attempt to make up for the -4700% confidence I have in my classes at the moment, but it's something.

See, having confidence in a marriage is an absolute must. There are laws that govern a successful relationship, I've found. Basic ones permeate through all relationships: be faithful, respond to your partner according to their love languages, choose your love and love your choice. More specific ones are tuned to the two partners; some people have trust issues or damages from other people that require amending the basic love laws. I think the most important law governing relationships is to eliminate the word "divorce" from the dictionary.

I'm not talking about abusive relationships or anything like that. There are times where someone is seriously damaged by their spouse and there are times when it is necessary to end things.

My confidence level is so high because I've spent a year and a half getting to know Ben. We spent time broken up and we know now that life apart like that is life not worth living. My "long" engagement (Rexburg eye-roll) has taught me about marriage on its own. For example, one law that governs most relationships is "never go to bed angry" (or early, if you have preggo-brain when writing me marriage advice). For Ben and I, mostly for myself, I have to go to bed angry sometimes. I get so worked up over silly things and I just need to go to bed, wake up, and wonder what the big deal even was. I'm grateful that I got to figure that out while I still had to sleep in my own bed in my own apartment, personal time away from my honey to wake up and realize I'm a dork.

Anyway, I kinda just started writing and a blog post about marriage came forth. It's a bit of a hot topic for me at the moment, so I'm sorry. This probably isn't very well organized, but I'm an exhausted lazy busy student so I'm kind of sorry it's a hot mess but not really at the same time because this is some silly blog thing that I just kinda word spit on kind of but not really bi-weekly and I am sorry for this tacky run-on sentence. Tl;dr I'm as sorry as a Canadian.

Kinda hoping my confidence level will go back up a little before finals, but not gonna count on it. Send cookies and massages.