I have a lot more physics major friends on social media now that I've entered my junior year. This is really intimidating, actually. Social anxiety. I write like a boss but when it comes to the spoken word, nothing ever comes out in a way that really expressed what is going on behind my face. When I speak, it is often incredibly awkward, which in turn makes me sound like an incredibly awkward person. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely awkward. Just not as awkward as I know I sound. So when it comes out that I secretly blog about physics and faith and especially at this moment the mental illness and the stress of adulthood I feel so very embarrassed. I like being behind a screen. I'm currently wearing leggings, wool socks, and one of my husband's sweaters while home alone with my cat. It's great. But once I'm in front of another person, boy do things change.
I just had to get that all out. Honesty is great, right? Please don't ask me about this in our classes, potential physics major readers, I am too anxious for that junk.
My junior year thus far could be described with plenty of choice adjectives, but I'm a good little Mormon girl who can hardly bring herself to say "damnation" when reading the scriptures. Even typing that was a struggle. We moved, we went broke because of moving (security deposits and pet deposits when our old place still has our money and Ben works retail killed, though temporarily, our savings accounts pretty quick), I drown in homework and housework and now I try to get any grading in that I can to get our bills paid and our savings growing.
The worst aspect is that I got off Effexor XR. I needed to; I was 100% exhausted all the time and it made me tense up so badly that even trips to the college of massage therapy for discount massages couldn't keep it down. I had to sleep about 10 hours a night, then I was addled with tension headaches all day. But at least the anxiety was gone. I felt I was ready to get off of any anxiety medication. It definitely felt like a prompting. I never expected my anxiety to come back full-force, let alone worse than before.
I could tell myself a thousand times that it's okay to not be okay, or that people take heart medication or insulin every day and that taking antidepressants is just the same, but it sure as heck doesn't feel like it. I could chug a gallon of chamomile tea and light candles and tell myself I am wonderful anxiety and all but that doesn't change for a second that I would give anything to feel actual, unprovoked, un-medicated happiness. I don't want to spend my life taking pills to feel and function normally. I don't want to compare side effects and worry about tapering and figuring out what combination of chemicals kills the chemical issues in my brain. I don't want to worry if I can have children with what I'm on. I want to be a happy person. But I don't know how to make that happen anymore.
Life is crazy. It hurts. You find someone you want to spend your life with and then everything gets so dang complicated. I guess I am just grateful that in this insane world, I have a knowledge, though often somewhat shaky, that I have a Savior. Someday I will have a resurrected body and I will be happy without having to take a single pill or supplement. I'll be able to feel what it is like to not be weighed down with the tightness in my chest and the tension in my neck and the pit in my stomach. It will be so incredible to feel that. But in the meantime, I guess I have some things to sort out.
I hope this post actually went somewhere. I can't really be sure. I feel pretty terrible right now. I just hope someone reads this and says, "Wow, I guess I'm really not alone in this". Whoever you are, I feel you, but we've got this. There are people who love and support us, like my incredible patient and loving husband, Ben. Just have to plug in the gratitude for him; it is November, after all, and I am such a handful. But he loves me, brain chemistry and all, and I am so lucky to know that he will always be here for me for the rest of time and eternity. It's okay to not be okay, because someday, we will be, but we will be so appreciative of it because of where we have been.
"But when the world tries to break your back with its weight,
get a stronger spine.
Too long treating your heart like a bullet to be loaded
into a gun; it’s time to wear all this loneliness
like a bulletproof vest instead."
-Meggie Royer, rock bottom does not exist